Social Etiquette Advocate Pillows

'Put away that damned smartphone!'

"Excuse me - I'm trying to have private conversation here!"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

Let's shake on it.

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"You rang, m'lord?"

"..and this is where his lordship holds his balls and dances."