Social Etiquette Enthusiasts Pillows

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I hit reply all too many times."

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

Let's shake on it.

"China Ministry of State Security Royal Infiltration Training Unit"