Social Etiquette Enthusiasts T-Shirts

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"All rise."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'D'you have any salt?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"I hit reply all too many times."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

Let's shake on it.