Social Etiquette Expert T-Shirts

Procedure - A Fact.

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

Let's shake on it.

Ladies' Game

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'Apart from the pain I can't get my hat off.'

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"How about fashionably never?"