Social Etiquette Critic T-Shirts

"Claire sweetie, it's Sue. So sorry we keep missing each other! I'm just responding to your last voice mail... Call me back."

'Margie, that rude guy who's always on his cell phone is coming through my line again!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

'You're not supposed to kiss everyone, Mr Jenkins.'

Not very ladylike. Please help.

'I certainly phoned SOMEBODY and said, honey, I'm bringing home a guest for dinner!'

"Not at the table."

No Pontificating in the Bean Bag Chair

'Do you have to slurp while you eat?'

'Are you a footballer?'

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

A guest departing a party.

Widow advising a man that men often owe their success to the beauty and social charm of their wife.

"Can't you crunch bones with your mouth closed?"

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

"Darling, you're going to have to text our son to ask if he wants some potatoes."

"May I have this dance, Miss?"

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

"You can't do that, Scott – this is Chicago."

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

'On The Face Of It.'

'Put away that damned smartphone!'

'What's the quietest picture? I want to use my phone in peace.'

"Once you've stood up for one actor, you're not allowed to sit back down for the next."

Boy Laughs At Man Who Has Fallen Down.

"This seat is reserved for the rest of my legs."

"Larry, please, can you give me some space? Like, five miles?"

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life