Social Etiquette Enthusiast T-Shirts

'I thought it was polite to ask about the baby. I didn't know she was just overweight.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"Larry, please, can you give me some space? Like, five miles?"

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"My name's Troy, and I'll be your server tonight." "My name's Fred, and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon." "I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason."

A guest departing a party.

A man turning down an invitiation

"Well, this is me."

Obligated-to-say-hello zone and Ok-to-pretend-I-don't-see-you zone

The Inconsiderate Smoker

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"You're not very friendly. I just asked about your weekend. So what if I don't know you? It's a harmless question!! Why do you have to be so rude?!"

Gretchen and Cody practice the art of social distancing.

Coronavirus Etiquette

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"All rise."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."