Modern Etiquette Expert T-Shirts

'GBY.' Text speak for 'God bless you.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hipsters"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Let's shake on it.

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"Dad, I swear - I didn't sneeze!"

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"You rang, m'lord?"