Modern Etiquette Theorist T-Shirts

"Darling, you're going to have to text our son to ask if he wants some potatoes."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Let's shake on it.

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"Though you be a villainous scoundrel, fairness demands I inform you that's your cell."

'Are you a footballer?'

'Do you have to slurp while you eat?'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

No Pontificating in the Bean Bag Chair

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

A guest departing a party.

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

"All my sophisticated payment apps say the same thing - it's your turn to pay."

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

'On The Face Of It.'

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

'It's a new idea - a cell phone booth, where people can talk privately without disturbing others.'

His text said, I challenge you to pistols at dawn, and I replied, C U there, and he replied with a thumbs-up emoji – Do I have to reply to that?

"May I have this dance, Miss?"

"I'm going to tell the Wagners we can't make their party. Is sending a drone in our place proper etiquette?"

"You can't do that, Scott – this is Chicago."

'Put away that damned smartphone!'

'Stay for dinner? Are you sure? - We don't want to wear out our welcome.'

'What's the quietest picture? I want to use my phone in peace.'

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life

Procedure - A Fact.

"My name's Troy, and I'll be your server tonight." "My name's Fred, and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon." "I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason."

"Larry, please, can you give me some space? Like, five miles?"

"You're embarrassing yourself again Edward. If you want a bigger wine glass, just ask the waiter."

Boy Laughs At Man Who Has Fallen Down.

"Hit it. I'm hungry."

"Who just shows up without calling?"