Modern Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'D'you have any salt?'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

"All rise."

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"I hit reply all too many times."

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

Let's shake on it.

'Mommy! Larry's making faces again!'

'Apart from the pain I can't get my hat off.'

"Hold on one second I'm just scrolling through your Instagram to get to know you."

"China Ministry of State Security Royal Infiltration Training Unit"