Modern Etiquette Advisor Pillows

'It's a new idea - a cell phone booth, where people can talk privately without disturbing others.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

Let's shake on it.

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"Dad, I swear - I didn't sneeze!"

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"You rang, m'lord?"

"Though you be a villainous scoundrel, fairness demands I inform you that's your cell."