Modern Etiquette Advisor Pillows

'It's a new idea - a cell phone booth, where people can talk privately without disturbing others.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hipsters"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Let's shake on it.

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Ladies' Game

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"Dad, I swear - I didn't sneeze!"

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"You rang, m'lord?"

"Though you be a villainous scoundrel, fairness demands I inform you that's your cell."

"..and this is where his lordship holds his balls and dances."