Modern Etiquette Enthusiast Mugs

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"All rise."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"I hit reply all too many times."

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'D'you have any salt?'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."

Let's shake on it.

"How many times must I tell you? Never critique the food until after she finishes her dessert wine!"