Etiquette Advocate Pillows

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"Shoes off sofa... Shoes off sofa... Shoes off sofa..."

Nose Picking

'Coming through!'

Cull people who talk and text during a concert you've paid good money to see.

"Why don't you pull over and let us get past, you arrogant self-righteous bastard!"

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'