Etiquette Adviser Pillows

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hipsters"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'Don't get up!'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"All rise."