Etiquette Adviser Pillows

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hipsters"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

"All rise."