Etiquette Specialist Pillows

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'Don't get up!'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."