Etiquette Instructor Pillows

"And remember, the phone goes to the left of the entree fork."

Butler and Page Boy

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hipsters"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."