Etiquette Coaches Pillows

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hipsters"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'Don't get up!'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

'Dear Miss Etiquette, I'm never sure if I should say anything...'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"I can never remember, how much do we tip?"

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."