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Pearls of wisdom

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

'Dear Miss Etiquette, I'm never sure if I should say anything...'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

Politeness opens doors

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."