Etiquette Experts T-Shirts

"You know, you have lousy handwriting."

"Hipsters"

Two gentlemen and a rich widow

'Archie, As I was here first, I believe that last six-pack is mine.'

'That is so uncool. Everyone knows that you wipe off your slime when you're done with the machine.'

"... stop slipping up and calling Frank 'meat.'"

'Turn right, don't forget to hand signal...'

"Dad, I swear - I didn't sneeze!"

"Forgive me, Father. In traffic I never give the little wave."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."