Etiquette Experts Pillows

"You know, you have lousy handwriting."

"Hipsters"

Two gentlemen and a rich widow

'Archie, As I was here first, I believe that last six-pack is mine.'

'That is so uncool. Everyone knows that you wipe off your slime when you're done with the machine.'

"... stop slipping up and calling Frank 'meat.'"

'Turn right, don't forget to hand signal...'

"Dad, I swear - I didn't sneeze!"

"Forgive me, Father. In traffic I never give the little wave."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'