Etiquette Analyst Pillows

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Well, what a gentleman!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hipsters"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."