Etiquette Examiner Pillows

"Must you people always call during state dinners?"

Lynching on social media

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'