Etiquette Expert Pillows

'It looks pretty flimsy, but I'm a gentleman: After you dear...'

'I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"It's mine—and I'd appreciate your not looking out of it."

'Don't swing and heave, lift and tilt. That's much easier on the back, and, I might add, proper etiquette.'

'I apologize for repeatedly asking if everything is okay but that is part of our mission statement.'

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"I find you in contempt for consistently referring to me as 'Your Highness'."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

'Are you sure we remembered everyone...?'

Ladies' Game

CCTV camera reads over man's shoulder. He says: 'You do know how rude that is, don't you?'

'Mind if we join you?'

'He's furious because a phone went off somewhere in the violins.'

"Do you mind? We're trying to eat."

"..and this is where his lordship holds his balls and dances."

An after-grazing mint.

'Can you call back later? I think I have a more interesting call on another line.'

'I just spoke with a salesman who said you were so rude he won't have anything to do with us!'

'I know the sign says 'All You Can Eat' but it's only from your plate.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Bold caps? Underlined? Italics? Don't EVER raise your emphasis in a text to me again!'

"We're having the T-Rex's over for dinner..and whatever you do, don't mention their itty-bitty little arms!"

"It's essential to ask 'Everything OK with your meal?' when you know they have a mouth full of food ..."

"That's interesting. What was it like running over your own cat?"

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"Secondhard carbs"

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"How much do we have to leave to avoid a social-media incident?"

"Should we start without him?"

"For God's sake, Austin, will you please stop saying, 'Heck, even a blind hog can find an acorn'?"

"Hold on, let me put you on megaphone."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.