Etiquette Expert Gifts

'It looks pretty flimsy, but I'm a gentleman: After you dear...'

'I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

'Don't swing and heave, lift and tilt. That's much easier on the back, and, I might add, proper etiquette.'

"It's mine—and I'd appreciate your not looking out of it."

'I apologize for repeatedly asking if everything is okay but that is part of our mission statement.'

'Are you sure we remembered everyone...?'

Ladies' Game

CCTV camera reads over man's shoulder. He says: 'You do know how rude that is, don't you?'

"We're having the T-Rex's over for dinner..and whatever you do, don't mention their itty-bitty little arms!"

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"It's essential to ask 'Everything OK with your meal?' when you know they have a mouth full of food ..."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

'Mind if we join you?'

'Can you call back later? I think I have a more interesting call on another line.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Do you mind? We're trying to eat."

'I just spoke with a salesman who said you were so rude he won't have anything to do with us!'

'He's furious because a phone went off somewhere in the violins.'

An after-grazing mint.

"I find you in contempt for consistently referring to me as 'Your Highness'."

'Bold caps? Underlined? Italics? Don't EVER raise your emphasis in a text to me again!'

"..and this is where his lordship holds his balls and dances."

'I know the sign says 'All You Can Eat' but it's only from your plate.'

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"Hold on, let me put you on megaphone."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

Guest leaving his carte de visite with a servant

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

Victorians playing croquet.

"What's a polite and subtle way to let someone know his breath reeks?" "You could try the old 'take out a piece of gum for yourself, and offer them one too.'" "I invented that one back in nineteen and twenty-nine, when I offered a stick to old Jebediah Stinkman." "Let me rephrase: What's a less subtle way to tell someone his breath reeks?" "You could try leaving a note."

"So good to see you let me take your coa...oh, a low alcohol bottle of wine."

Complicated Workplace Rules. In an office setting, it is not acceptable when a boss says "Gimme some sugar" to a subordinate. But it might be perfectly acceptable when working in a bakery.