Etiquette Advocates Gifts

Human Cull: People who stand on the escalator so that you can't walk past them.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hipsters"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."