Etiquette Advocate Gifts

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"Shoes off sofa... Shoes off sofa... Shoes off sofa..."

Nose Picking

'Coming through!'

Cull people who talk and text during a concert you've paid good money to see.

"Why don't you pull over and let us get past, you arrogant self-righteous bastard!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Hipsters"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'