Etiquette Awareness Gifts

Human Cull: People in the supermarket who stop and chat with their carts blocking the aisle.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Awkward First Dates

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'