Etiquette Instructor Gifts

"And remember, the phone goes to the left of the entree fork."

Butler and Page Boy

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hipsters"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"