Etiquette Evaluator Pillows

'Easily annoyed by nearby texting guests or not easily annoyed by nearby texting guests.'

'Sorry, you'll have to wait - now I have a call...'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."