Etiquette Analyst Gifts

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Well, what a gentleman!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hipsters"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'