Netiquette Analyst Gifts

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hipsters"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"All rise."