Netiquette Nerd Gifts

'I must not lie on the internet.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

'Don't get up!'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"All rise."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'D'you have any salt?'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"I hit reply all too many times."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'