Netiquette Nerd Pillows

'I must not lie on the internet.'

Okay following someone on twitter, , , Not Okay following someone off twitter,

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"All rise."

"I hit reply all too many times."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'D'you have any salt?'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."