Netiquette Novice Pillows

'Hold on, Ma, he's posting.'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Babies vs. Dogs

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"All rise."

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."

People who work-from-home, annual get together.

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'D'you have any salt?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"I hit reply all too many times."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."