Netiquette Guide Pillows

"No, the correct answer to the question 'what do you do when someone offends you?', is not unfriend them."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hipsters"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Awkward First Dates

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'