Netiquette Novice Gifts

'Hold on, Ma, he's posting.'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Babies vs. Dogs

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I hit reply all too many times."

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

People who work-from-home, annual get together.

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."

"Ignore the screams, sir. I'll get a new fork."