Etiquette Learner Gifts

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Awkward First Dates

"Hey, you two! What did I say about sharing?!"

Only One Item or Fewer.

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"