Professional Etiquette Nerd Gifts

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

Let's shake on it.

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"I'm not repeating the specials again until everyone puts down their phones."

"Donald, you’re in the C-suite now. No more smiley faces or exclamation points."

"Not at the table."

"Actually write thank-you notes to my best customers with a pen and paper? But I wouldn't have spell check!"

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

First Church: Sunday's Topic - Thou Shalt Not Blog Against Thy Neighbour.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"I didn't mind the panel interview, but I got creeped out by the group hug at the end."

"Can I help you?"

'Hah, he bowed lower than I did.'

"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"

How Dogs Identify Themselves in Upscale Neighborhoods.

'I told you never to Facebook, Bebo, Hotmail, Yahoo, MSN or phone me at work...'

Trolling on social media

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

Would it be rude if I didn't follow them all back?

A guest departing a party.

"That time you realized your hashtags were longer than your message. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethingsWrongHere #spiritual-awakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #wontSome-bodyThink-of-The-Children?" "ERROR: You have exceeded the number of characters allowed." "That time you. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethings-WrongHere #spiritualawakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

"He came out from behind his desk. We got 'em."

Widow advising a man that men often owe their success to the beauty and social charm of their wife.

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

'On The Face Of It.'

His text said, I challenge you to pistols at dawn, and I replied, C U there, and he replied with a thumbs-up emoji – Do I have to reply to that?

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'