Professional Etiquette Nerd Gifts

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

Let's shake on it.

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

"I'm not repeating the specials again until everyone puts down their phones."

"Donald, you’re in the C-suite now. No more smiley faces or exclamation points."

"Actually write thank-you notes to my best customers with a pen and paper? But I wouldn't have spell check!"

"Can I help you?"

"I didn't mind the panel interview, but I got creeped out by the group hug at the end."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

First Church: Sunday's Topic - Thou Shalt Not Blog Against Thy Neighbour.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

'Hah, he bowed lower than I did.'

"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

Trolling on social media

Widow advising a man that men often owe their success to the beauty and social charm of their wife.

"That time you realized your hashtags were longer than your message. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethingsWrongHere #spiritual-awakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #wontSome-bodyThink-of-The-Children?" "ERROR: You have exceeded the number of characters allowed." "That time you. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethings-WrongHere #spiritualawakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

"He came out from behind his desk. We got 'em."

A guest departing a party.

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

'Twitter or tweet-free?'

'On The Face Of It.'