Little Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'Don't get up!'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I hit reply all too many times."

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."