Online Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

"That time you realized your hashtags were longer than your message. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethingsWrongHere #spiritual-awakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #wontSome-bodyThink-of-The-Children?" "ERROR: You have exceeded the number of characters allowed." "That time you. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethings-WrongHere #spiritualawakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #

Queen at computer screen searching friends re: you knighted site.'

"You wrote no hate posts, no xenophobic comments, no sex jokes, no insults, and no conspiracy theories since becoming a member."

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"So I sold him six with a 23% profit margin, so what do you think of that!"

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"I'm not repeating the specials again until everyone puts down their phones."

"This tone means the battery is low. This one means you've just driven over a pedestrian. And this one indicates that someone sitting near you in a coffee shop is about to grab your phone and stuff it down your throat!"

Sunday Sermon: Let he who has not sinned cast the first blog.

"This circle of hell is for those who always hit Reply to All."

"Can I help you?"

"Having received your offer of friendship, and after due consideration and given the fact that I don't know you from a bar of soap, I must inform you that I will be declining your request."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

First Church: Sunday's Topic - Thou Shalt Not Blog Against Thy Neighbour.'

"I didn't mind the panel interview, but I got creeped out by the group hug at the end."

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

A guest departing a party.

Trolling on social media

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

14 days since the last inappropriate e-mail

Did you take the last cup and not make another pot?

'On The Face Of It.'

Thank you for not using the office internet line as a singles' pick-up service.

'Twitter or tweet-free?'

Tweet Others As You Would Have Them Tweet You.

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life