Internet Etiquette Expert Gifts

Would it be rude if I didn't follow them all back?

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

"So I sold him six with a 23% profit margin, so what do you think of that!"

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

"My son, using 'Reply All' is not a sin."

"Please try to look as though you are enjoying it. The waiter keeps giving us funny looks."

"You rang, m'lord?"

"I'm not repeating the specials again until everyone puts down their phones."

"..and this is where his lordship holds his balls and dances."

'We're a constitutional monarchy now- so, you can call me 'Hank'.'