Internet Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

First Church: Sunday's Topic - Thou Shalt Not Blog Against Thy Neighbour.'

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

"So I sold him six with a 23% profit margin, so what do you think of that!"

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"I'm not repeating the specials again until everyone puts down their phones."

"This tone means the battery is low. This one means you've just driven over a pedestrian. And this one indicates that someone sitting near you in a coffee shop is about to grab your phone and stuff it down your throat!"

"This circle of hell is for those who always hit Reply to All."

"Can I help you?"

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"Having received your offer of friendship, and after due consideration and given the fact that I don't know you from a bar of soap, I must inform you that I will be declining your request."

"I didn't mind the panel interview, but I got creeped out by the group hug at the end."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"

"That time you realized your hashtags were longer than your message. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethingsWrongHere #spiritual-awakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #wontSome-bodyThink-of-The-Children?" "ERROR: You have exceeded the number of characters allowed." "That time you. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethings-WrongHere #spiritualawakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #

Trolling on social media

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

A guest departing a party.

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

Thank you for not using the office internet line as a singles' pick-up service.

14 days since the last inappropriate e-mail

'On The Face Of It.'

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

Did you take the last cup and not make another pot?

'Twitter or tweet-free?'

Tweet Others As You Would Have Them Tweet You.