Internet Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

First Church: Sunday's Topic - Thou Shalt Not Blog Against Thy Neighbour.'

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

"So I sold him six with a 23% profit margin, so what do you think of that!"

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"I'm not repeating the specials again until everyone puts down their phones."

"This tone means the battery is low. This one means you've just driven over a pedestrian. And this one indicates that someone sitting near you in a coffee shop is about to grab your phone and stuff it down your throat!"

"This circle of hell is for those who always hit Reply to All."

"Can I help you?"

"Having received your offer of friendship, and after due consideration and given the fact that I don't know you from a bar of soap, I must inform you that I will be declining your request."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"I didn't mind the panel interview, but I got creeped out by the group hug at the end."

"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"

'I told you never to Facebook, Bebo, Hotmail, Yahoo, MSN or phone me at work...'

"That time you realized your hashtags were longer than your message. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethingsWrongHere #spiritual-awakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #wontSome-bodyThink-of-The-Children?" "ERROR: You have exceeded the number of characters allowed." "That time you. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethings-WrongHere #spiritualawakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #

A guest departing a party.

Trolling on social media

Would it be rude if I didn't follow them all back?

"Ignoring LinkedIn requests is the new 'get lost'."

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

14 days since the last inappropriate e-mail

Thank you for not using the office internet line as a singles' pick-up service.

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

'Twitter or tweet-free?'

'On The Face Of It.'

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

Did you take the last cup and not make another pot?