Public Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

Newly Proposed Phone Regulations.

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'D'you have any salt?'

"All rise."

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"More?"

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'