Etiquette Critic Gifts

"May I have this dance, Miss?"

"You can't do that, Scott – this is Chicago."

Boy Laughs At Man Who Has Fallen Down.

No Pontificating in the Bean Bag Chair

'Do you have to slurp while you eat?'

'Are you a footballer?'

Keep your feet on the floor or on the other patrons, but not on the seats,please.

"You're embarrassing yourself again Edward. If you want a bigger wine glass, just ask the waiter."

"Don't interrupt me when I'm texting to you!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'