Etiquette Critique Pillows

Not very ladylike. Please help.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Hipsters"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Awkward First Dates

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."