Social Etiquette Crusader Pillows

"You look like you haven't lost weight."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

Let's shake on it.

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Generally, when we go around the table sharing what we're grateful for, we just *say* it, Jerry."

'You're not supposed to kiss everyone, Mr Jenkins.'

'I certainly phoned SOMEBODY and said, honey, I'm bringing home a guest for dinner!'

"How much do you tip your genie?"

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Thank you for the lovely dinner, Perry. Would you like to come in for a stool softener?"

Widow advising a man that men often owe their success to the beauty and social charm of their wife.

A guest departing a party.

"I got my ticket for three dollars over the Internet. Are you going to eat that salmon?"

"Darling, you're going to have to text our son to ask if he wants some potatoes."

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

'On The Face Of It.'

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

His text said, I challenge you to pistols at dawn, and I replied, C U there, and he replied with a thumbs-up emoji – Do I have to reply to that?

'Put away that damned smartphone!'

"Our dog took the most beautiful—" "Okay! Thank you, that'll be all!"

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life

"This seat is reserved for the rest of my legs."

Procedure - A Fact.

'What's the quietest picture? I want to use my phone in peace.'

'Stay for dinner? Are you sure? - We don't want to wear out our welcome.'

"My name's Troy, and I'll be your server tonight." "My name's Fred, and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon." "I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason."

"Larry, please, can you give me some space? Like, five miles?"

"Once you've stood up for one actor, you're not allowed to sit back down for the next."

"Oh gosh, have I been talking too much again?"

Manspreading.

"I'm putting you on speaker - it's essential for everyone to hear our conversation."

"Would you please stop saying 'That's a no-brainer'!"