Public Manners Enthusiast Pillows

"This seat is reserved for the rest of my legs."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Nice talking to you too, even if you are a recorded message."

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

'Don't get up!'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I hit reply all too many times."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'