Public Manners Enthusiast T-Shirts

"This seat is reserved for the rest of my legs."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"Nice talking to you too, even if you are a recorded message."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

"More?"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."