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Etiquette and the mobile phone - "Oh hi. I'm on a training course."

"Shouldn't you use a plate?"

"The last doggy bag."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

'Gosh, Cindylou, you can't judge a guy solely on how he eats spaghetti!'

"Though you be a villainous scoundrel, fairness demands I inform you that's your cell."

"Grace and polish, all bundled up together in one man?"

Civil war, "You shoot first old boy. No, no I won't hear of it"

I don't care who you are - if you didn't reserve the round table. I'll have to seat you in a booth.

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

"Do you have any appetizers that are just fun to play with?"

'The frogs legs kicked the peas off the plate.'

"Mum says I've got to thank you if you gave me anything."

"You're the only one in here who had to ask for a knife and fork."

"You've got a bit of brain on the side of your mouth."

"I am wearing the new bikini you saw...unfortunately, my father saw it too, and made me wear this over it!"

"Oh—pardon the expletive—damn!"

"And remember, the phone goes to the left of the entree fork."

"How would you like me to answer that question? As a member of my ethnic group, educational class, income group, or religious category?"

'Just because you happen to turn into a wolf during a full moon, dear, doesn't mean you have to act like one!'

''How am I?' Tsk, you people who don't do facebook! I've got to make up a status update especially for you, have I?'

"Anderson, Anderson and Andersons - Stephens speaking."

"Both Ears This Way, thank you."

His text said, I challenge you to pistols at dawn, and I replied, C U there, and he replied with a thumbs-up emoji – Do I have to reply to that?

'No need to be concerned. After 30 years I'm finally emerging from this cocoon.'

"Can't talk now David, I'm in a meeting - with you."

'It was a complete surprise when the table-setting police arrived. I had no idea I was doing it wrong.'

"This seat is reserved for the rest of my legs."

'Call back some other time. I'm awfully busy ignoring you.'

'Wall hugging won't get you past me without a 'Good morning', Carson.'

'My degree is in the Social Sciences, yet I'm a klutz and don't know one fork from another!'

'Get your hands out of your pocket!'

Handy Pre-made Notes for Modern Life

'Good grief, you were right, dear, they have all died.'