Communication Etiquette Pillows

'When I texted you all regarding the manner in which he died, I was disappointed by how many of you responded with 'lol'.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Awkward First Dates

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was fine. I just don't like any of you and don't want to be here."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.

'Sorry, J.B., but I never merge after a first meeting.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'